The Journey to My Medicine

I have always felt an old crone hag in my body 

Since I was a little girl, during recess, instead of playing with kids on the playground

I would talk to the spirits of the land and gather plants to do ritual 

No one taught me how to do this nor modeled any connection to the Earth 

Or the Unseen 

I remember vividly think about death and birth, the cycles of life, since I was five

Staying up at late night, staring at the moon, thinking about death

When I found embodiment journeying, I fell in love 

Like I finally found something I’d been doing my whole life without realizing it had a name 

Instead of getting locked inside of all the aliveness I could feel in my bones, 

I had a way to move it all through, intuitively

And bring to life the parts of me I battled with internally without attachment 

They moved through and I just felt freedom and connected to something bigger than me 

Dance and Earth Ritual 

Became my way, the way to feel most true and in my essence 

It’s what I did to grieve, remember, listen, and express 

My sanctuary 

Me, barefoot, hidden in the woods, dancing with trees

Singing from my bones to the plants 

Waking my ancestors song 

Long before I knew what I was really doing

I remember I took a dance class called Earth Rhythms when I was 13 years old

With elder hippie ladies that didn’t shave their armpits

A man with a djembe would come to drum for us 

I’d get lost in the drum beats and moving from my hips 

I felt so alive I would cry at the joy I felt in my heart 

And I never let anyone besides my mom know I took that class every week 

Fast forward to getting mentored by one of my first real teacher

I arrived to her container with a desire to be somebody

I wanted to share my passion and be of service with it 

But I had all these layers of not fully sharing my medicine or even knowing it fully yet 

I was using it instead of serving it 

I let the parts of me that are hungry to be somebody special taint the very thing that was most true for me 

My journey to my medicine has actually been a journey of forgetting and remembering

Over and over again 

I had a period of time where I tried to emulate others that I saw be successful, and be a coach 

That knows exactly how to fix that one particular issue you have 

I wanted to use my power, to feel okay in the world to be me 

But in using my power, I burned myself out 

And went through a long period of forgetting why I even started in the first place 

I watched many parts of me die as I lost my connection to my fire, my dance for a period of time

Any attempt, felt forced 

All the tricks I used to feel superior, lost their power to the point of me being unable to even try to use them 

It felt like my medicine caved in until I got on my knees in humility to it 

Not humility in the sense of playing small 

But genuinely, respecting its power 

I spent time on the Earth in front of the ocean, sitting with my maternal grandmother’s death 

Which was the last thing that actually made me surrender to the deepest down I’d ever had

Where I finally got quiet and still enough, to hear what I’d silenced 

I started singing and after years of holding the vision, drumming 

All I could do was sit on the Earth and walk

I felt incredibly weak in my body in a way I’d never experienced before

Singing and playing the drum started nourishing me again, bit by bit 

In that period of time 

I saw how much I used my connection to my body as a means of trying to validate myself 

In sex, with men, in dance performance, in everything I did 

I saw an underlying current in me of not feeling enough and trying to compensate and seek externally to be okay 

And after I got many things that I thought would make me feel okay, I still didn’t 

I had to drink from my own death as my body gained weight, chopped my hair off, lost most of my friends, and the place I had in my local community 

I felt really victimized by the process of this work 

Of all the loss 

I thought I was going to get all the things once I made the money and business

I thought I would get a man because of it and find the fulfillment my ego had been looking for my whole life, but I didn’t 

Instead, I had to begin asking myself “what really matters?”

In that question, I found Ceremony 

Life as Ceremony

Vision fasting, sleeping on the Earth, weaving baskets, building fires 

I made a drum from horseskin, did earth ritual everyday, and let my identity die 

I met my ancestors through the spirit realm and found my love of prayer 

Hot, young, unstoppable Karla who was a fierce ass performer keeping the world at arms length but wanted nothing more than for a man to save her fell off 

And the fierceness transmuted into a deep protector of the Primordial and Instinctual 

My fire found her place to serve and not burn out

mI sat on a mountain for 4 days, naked, without food and water in prayer around what medicine I was here to serve 

Loud and clear I declared that whatever it is, I am here to serve it 

The direct answer was “the primal” 

And I received visions through my body of the simplicity of this medicine 

Guiding people through what I guide-connection to our primal body through the Earth 

To wake the Wolf in our flesh 

The protector of the sacred, the instinctual pup who knows when to hug her kin and when to be the killer 

That is fire, earth, water and air 

Intact with her hunger and ability to get nourished in a true way 

Sovereign in her spine, yet serving her true pack 

Not afraid of her aloneness because she knows she is never alone 

She is the Wild 

She is the Primal 

She is holding true Power 

I serve Her